Ok, I get it. I know that there is a whole new way of discipline nowadays and I must adjust. But sometimes, when I go out in public and watch the behaviors of some over-indulged children, I nearly bite my tongue, clear through!
I’m sixty-six now and I bet younger people think I don’t have any real experiences quite like theirs to even share on the subject. You know, I wonder if they feel that I can’t empathize because I am too far removed by age or that I’m retired and “out to pasture” so to speak. It’s kind of funny to me because I joke, that there are not too many people lining up at my door to ask me about how to discipline effectively. What worked ALL those many years ago may not be relevant anymore!
When I was “in the trenches”of child-rearing, I remember asking my Grandmother how I was doing. I didn’t expect she would answer, but after a poignant pause, she said sweetly, “ Don’t forget to be firm and consistent in what you say! Do what you say!” She went on to explain when you set clear standards of behavior with understood consequences, both positive and negative, make sure you follow through with what you set up. If I hadn’t asked, I would have continued to muddle through trying this and that hoping to land on something that brought peace in our house.
While teaching, I remember the time when I had 34 children in my second grade classroom; each child with different abilities and challenging behavioral problems. Recipe for disaster and burnout. But for the most part, we got along just fine all day and even had lots of fun in the process of learning. Not to say, that everyday was golden, it wasn’t, but for the most part it was a pleasant and a rewarding experience.
A key factor of success in the classroom was having a discipline plan. Good classroom management correlates with good discipline. Having no goal in this area means reaching just that…nothing..…and this fails to meet! Each child in your care whether parenting and teaching, is a gift you are responsible for! There is so much at stake with each precious one. They learn so much from you. Long-lastingTraits they bring with them into adulthood.
At home and in school, how can we set clear standards of behavior with consequences, both positive and negative to help discipline?
I have been dying to put it “out there”, so to speak. So here is a list of suggested “old fashioned” ideas that worked for me both as a parent of three boys and an elementary school teacher.
We can set clear standards of discipline by…….
• Modeling positive behaviors for child to imitate e.g. “Watch Joey say ‘please’ when he wants another cookie. Isn’t that polite and good? I know you can do that too!” If children see you modeling and praising the behavior you are trying to teach them, the impression it makes is imprinted in their minds as children always look up to you to firmly lead the way.
•Using positive peer modeling. Children learn quickly from their peers, so exposing them to other well behaved children who have a certain skills that can be shared often in friendship….. teaching the observers much.
• Exercising praise for positive behaviors ….e.g. “I just love the way you help Mommy pick up the toys. You are such a responsible boy!” A few positive words or pats on the back go a long way in making someone feel proud of themselves and able to “reach the sky”. Praise, praise, praise…….There can’t ever be “too much”! But it has to be commensurate to a real positive behavior!!! No counterfeits! Kids know!
• Following through consistently when boundaries are over-stepped. e.g. Mommy told you that if you continued to hit Billy, you would have to sit in the No-No chair. Then make sure on the first reminder, that the consequence is carried out! Not after the second or third infraction. Kids learn really fast who means what they say and who doesn’t. Firmly, yet controlled. Letting a situation escalate to the anger level means that boundaries and follow-through haven’t been clearly delineated in the past and the child knows that.
•Rewarding targeted behaviors with positive rewards. Let’s say you have had some difficulty with “Johnny” being polite in public….You set up a token system which is not only fun but practically makes the child focus in on the desired result. e.g. Every time I see you say please and thank you, a token goes in the Happy Jar…..(building up to some desired end…e.g. Ice cream, or token toy). I have used this successful from everything from potty-training to limiting “hissy-fits” for attention when things go wrong.
•Sharing honestly and calmly with a child when you are displeased e.g. an infraction occurs ….at the same time letting them know they are loved or valued in spite of what happened. BALANCE is important here. Also speak to this, as close in time to the infraction as possible. If you wait too long, the child has already moved on to new things that demand his/her attention.
•Responding appropriately to upsetting situations. The more you coddle a child with too much sympathy, when something little happens to upset him/her, the more you loose an opportunity to teach the child resiliency. Resiliency will be needed all through their life. A way to develop this key trait is too model problem-solving or working through a problem calmly with clear steps and words to express their feelings versus outbursts. During times like these we need to lighten up on the sympathy.
• Building behaviors to produce intrinsic motivation for future patterns of behavior. Eg. Don’t you feel good inside when you help others with a happy spirit. If a child learns that he/she will receive a certain positive feeling inside from doing something
Thanks to all for letting this “old gal” share some really old ideas that worked like a charm in my day.
What works for you?
I'll never be too old to learn a thing or two, so feel free to share how you feel about this subject.
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